十年

I had this fear in me... that terrified me and gave me nightmare.
The bad dream was about I walking back to my home knowing that there was a group of wild dogs on the way.
I was so afraid and thinking of how to keep myself away from the dogs and could safely arrive home.
Then I was awake.

So I know I'm in a deep fear.

During daytime, I stay at home alone and my thought runs wild.
I start to cry, and I cried all my heart out.
Grievance to the past, and the insecure about the future.

Even though I know I will have to try again, I don't know how can I walk through it.
I know I have to walk through, but i kept crying, and cried out loud.
I know I have to, and I want to, but my body and every single cell of me shivering.
I felt the weakness and fear in me, clearly.

When I reach out for help, the answer is just - 'Don't think too much about it'.
This is true ..... but still I don't find peace.

Until I replied a post to yuyuy.
'Maybe 10 years later when I look back .... I will get the answer....'

And that's the answer.
10 years later, when I look back, will I ever regret?
The suffering that I deem now, is a precious chance to the future me.
It's not even a challenge, but a precious chance.
Don't even take it as a test, it's a precious chance.

With this, strength returns.
It's going to be a busy year, and fruitful (in some ways).